Although there are millions things that annoy me on Facebook, one thing that NEVER gets old is the classic Facebook break up. It’s like watching a fat girl trip… they fall hard, and you can’t help but laugh. Maybe I’m just a cruel person, but I can’t help but find pleasure watching all this embarrassing misery leak out into a public forum. For those of you that starve for public sympathy and attention, here are all of the CRUCIAL steps to a proper Facebook breakup.
Step 1: Immediately after the breakup, log onto Facebook to change your status to single, and unfriend your ex. This gives the illusion that you were the one that instigated the break up, regardless of if it’s true. This will give you the initial upper hand, and will bring in tons more sympathy than if you were the second one to react.
Step 2: Now, this next part is VERY important. Unless you’re a complete idiot, your profile is on a friends only privacy setting. You’ll want to change this to public so that your now ex can view your profile and see all the shit talking, and new photos you’ll be posting. I will get into this more later.
Step 3: At this point, you should have already collected enough sympathy and shit talking comments on your wall to start responding to them. Make sure to monitor the comments on your new “single status” carefully in order to comment on each and every statement. You will also need to reply to every “like” on the new status as well. For example, if you’re a female, it will include a lot of the following:
“Ya gurl, single FINALLY!!! girls night out asap to go fishing for hotties!!”
“sooo happy to be single, lets hit the clubs!!!”
Also making sure that when boys that like your status… you respond with lots of smiley wink faces, hearts and giggles.
If you’re a male, this will include a lot of:
“YES!! Back on the market, bros! Lets tap some azz!!!!”
“Line up da bitchez, I be back yo! Where are da hot clubz now?! LOL!!!!”
Also make sure to tell each female how hot she is, and how much you would like to get together when she shows you sympathy.
Step 4: While you’re collecting a shit-ton of comments on your new single status, and gathering up all of the attention you wanted, you need to be untagging your ex in all of your pictures. You may also completely delete all pictures of you two off of your profile at this time. They both have the same effect, you just want to show that you are eliminating all traces of them off of your profile. Obviously you’re already over them, so you need to prove it by doing so.
Step 5: It’s time to add new photos. This will be an ongoing process. You’ll first want to put up pictures of you and other girls/guys, that have been hidden away on your computer while you were dating. Be certain that your new profile picture is one of you before you were dating, when you were much thinner and younger. If you have pictures of you and other exes, that you’re civil with, you’ll want to repost these pictures as well.
Secondly, get out there and party! Make sure while out you’re talking to as many people of the opposite sex as you can, and GET PICTURES! The next day, you’ll want to carefully edit out any pictures that make you look like a goon, and post all of the pictures with random people you’ve met. Those pictures will tell your ex that you’re already out hooking at the bars.
Step 6: Now you’re to the part of the breakup where you have to start making suggestive, yet vague, status updates. The following will work great:
“OMG only got 2 hours of sleep last night but TOTALLY worth it!!! LOL OMG WTF!!”
“I don’t remember anything from last night!!! so ooo crazy!! LOVE MY GURLZ!”
The status updates are very important, because they let the other person know that you’ve moved on with your life. Even though you dated for several years/months, 3 days later you’re already having the time of your life. This will be a devastating, yet important, blow to the ex’s psyche.
Step 7: Now it’s time for the heartbreaker… a finishing move done ONLY by the professional Facebook Breakup Artist. At this point, you’re going to change your status back to “in a relationship,” and you’re going to let it sit until enough people, including your ex, has seen it. At this time, you’re going to make your profile private once again, and change your status to “in a relationship with…” and make it one of your friends of the same sex. Your friends will think its funny, and your ex will still only have the information that you’re already in a new relationship. It’s win/win, if you ask me!
Step 8: Pat yourself on the back… you’ve officially embarrassed yourself, and your ex, by being an emotional attention whore that feels the need to air personal business with the general public. You’re pathetic, and we’re all laughing at you behind your back. Douche.