Douche Bags

An Open Letter to Ed Hardy Lovers

Sup Bro,

I couldn’t help but notice that bag full of Ed Hardy and Affliction gear you just purchased. Although you’ve maxed out your credit card on 4 shirts, you can sleep well knowing that you’re taking back the glitter fad for the male gender… women have had it for long enough, if you ask me. Not only that, but your shirts literally tell the people around you that you were “Born to Raise Hell” and that “Love Kills Slowly.” Not only will this tell people how badass you are, without having to say a word, but you’re also educating those around you that might not know any better.


That enormous glow in the dark tiger’s head, that covers the entire front of that one shirt, is pretty sweet. Wow, looks like you also chose to go with the shirt covered with huge skulls with roses and daggers coming out of the eye sockets. Good choice! The flamboyant jewels that cover them, along with all the glitter and silver embroidery, will definitely catch the eye of a beautiful, intelligent girl tonight while you’re out club hopping. If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my time here on earth it’s that, without fail, club girls are drawn to shiny objects.

Before you pack up your bags and head home, you should probably stop over at the GNC to pick up some more Creatine. I see that it’s only a block away, but you should probably hop in your Camaro and drive… God forbid your calf muscles develop beyond that of an 8 year old boy. On second thought, I just saw a couple real MMA fighters walk in there to buy supplements. Although you did kind of copy their style, and douched it up beyond belief, they can be kinda dicks about it. You have to remember that they aren’t posers, but actual tough guys that will beat the piss out of you. Might be best to just head to the tanning salon for the time being, and come back later.

Well, I have to head out. Congratulations on the undeserved sense of accomplishment you’re going to walk around with after putting on one of your new shirts. Remember, wearing them makes you invulnerable to pain, so start as many fights as you can. They also magically transform you into a dimwit with the brain power of yogurt. You’ll want to be up-to-date on the latest episodes of the Jersey Shore, and all of the latest celebrity gossip, so you’re well versed in your conversations tonight at the clubs.



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2 thoughts on “An Open Letter to Ed Hardy Lovers”

  1. Holy tanning bed addiction! Their parents must be so proud! And I must say that while I am NOT a club girl, I am still drawn to shiny objects. 🙂

  2. And P.S., your True Religion jeans make your ass look horrible. xoxo, me.

    I think they only thing more attracted to shiny objects than club girls are cats, but I’m with you, Kari!

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