So after looking over AskMen’s Top 99 Most Desirable Women of 2011, and realizing how ridiculously stupid and wrong they were, I decided to quickly whip together my own Top 10 list, so everyone out there would know the truth. So here we go:
10. Jamie Lynn Sigler
Any straight male who watched the Sopranos had a crush on Meadow, and I was no different. I’m certain my crush would have materialized into a real life relationship if I had wanted it to. Unfortunately for Jamie, there were 9 other girls ahead of her, all waiting for me to offer them a shot at life’s grand prize… ME!
9. Amy Smart
If you’ve seen a girl naked, and you still want to see her again after that, what is it called? I think you call that love, D-Bone (please someone, catch that reference). I remember when this big joke was going around Hollywood, and everyone was all, “if Amy was really Smart, she would date Ryan.” God, people can be SOOOO annoying sometimes. Although she’s a beautiful girl, I just wasn’t looking for anything at the time. Really ladies, timing is half the battle. Maybe it would have worked out, but I just wasn’t emotionally ready for a new woman in my life, let alone a girlfriend. I was fragile… so damn fragile.
8. Megan Fox
Let’s be honest here, this girl looks like she just plain sucks at life. You can tell she’s a total bitch, and would be a miserable person to be around. I will win an academy award for taking a shit before she wins one for anything related to acting. Finally, she’s dating David fuckin’ Silver from Beverly Hills 90210. If that doesn’t scream ‘winner,’ I don’t know what does. Fact still remains, the girl is smokin’ hot. That car scene from Transformers will live on in my dreams forever. My only wish is that she would realize that she’s much more attractive when her mouth is shut. Here’s a fun fact, hun… no one cares about your dimwitted opinions, we care about your looks.
7. Scarlett Johansson
Ugh, I remember back when all my friends in the World of Warcraft were all telling me that I should totally go for Scarlett Johansson. I mean, I was into her looks wise, and might have considered a friends with benefits type of sitch with her… I think that’s all it would have been though. Like, I’m attracted to her, but I wasn’t so sure I wanted to date her, if that makes sense. Eventually I think she got tired of waiting for something to happen between us, and so to try to make me jealous, she found another Ryan and married him. I hear they’re getting a divorce now (shocking… that’s what you get when you try to replace your feelings for me), so we’ll see what happens. Still not so sure it would become anything more than a sexual thing between us.
6. Emmanuelle Chriqui
Mmmmmmm, Sloan. You don’t say a whole lot, and I like that… I like that lots! No, she seems like a really sweet girl. Probably a little too nice for me to go out with, but if she were to ask me out on a date, I would probably say ‘yes.’ Not because I really think it would go anywhere, but I wouldn’t want to hurt her feelings, because it takes a lot of courage to ask someone out. She is a beautiful girl, but I think I would rather hold out and date someone with a little more edge to her. I’m sure we would engage in some lovely conversation though, so that would be really quite nice.
5. Jessica Alba
There was a long period of time where Jessica was my #1 girl, but our relationship was kinda torn apart at the seems. Well see, this is what happened. I wanted to get to know her, so I looked up her facebook. Once I finally located it, I simply sent her a message telling her how hot I thought she was, maybe a casual comment or two about dry humping, and dropped her my number. So yeah, the next few weeks I kept getting HUNDREDS of these “telemarketing” calls and “spam emails,” which were obviously her trying to be funny, or maybe she was just too shy to talk to me? Who knows, but I was just tired of the games she was playing, and eventually just changed my number and email address. She never tried to contact me after that, and her facebook has since been shutdown due to some scam or something. The girl just needs to grow up, in my opinion. Looks wise though,I’ve seen the movie Into the Blue more than once, and it wasn’t because it was a good… nuff said.
4. Mila Kunis
Did anyone else know that she was dating that Home Alone kid that got stung by bees and died? This girl has been silly gorgeous for years. I’m kinda shocked it took people so long to realize it. Regardless, I’ve been thinking about getting into a relationship with Mila for a long time, it just hasn’t happened for us yet. It just seems like our lifelines have yet to cross, so it’s just difficult right now. She’s off filming TV shows and movies… I’m at home blogging in my studio apartment, and playing World of Warcraft… just the usual bullshit that keeps two very attractive people apart. It can be sickening at times, but you know what? I’ll wake up in the morning, and I will live another day… as will she.
3. Eva Mendez
At one point, I put some serious thought into writing her an email, and asking her to dinner. Since I’ll literally watch every single thing that she’s in, and at the end of the movie not remember a word that she’s said, I realized this may not be the best idea. She’s just so ridiculously hot, it would be way too hard to pay attention to the words coming out of her mouth. I’m sure she would realize fairly quick during dinner that I wasn’t listening to her, get upset, and want to leave. I just don’t really want to put up with that kind of drama in the beginning stages of dating, ya know? It’s like, ‘fuck Eva, can’t I just sit here and look at you? I’m sure you’re saying interesting stuff… but Jesus… have you seen yourself? It’s hard to pay attention!” I don’t know, whatev. It’s stressing me out already, and we’re not even on our first date yet!
2. Minka Kelly
The original reason I started watching Friday Night Lights, before I realized it was an amazing show. I’ve honestly considered changing Minka to my #1 selection, and even went so far as to think about dating her recently… mainly due to the fact that my #1 appears to be having a child with another man, therefore is obviously cheating on me. So the order of this list COULD change in the near future, if someone doesn’t shape-up and get with the damn program! Regardless, I still may steal her from that douche, Derek Jeter, just because I hate the Yankees so much. We’ll see though, it’s truly too soon to even be considering all this.
1. Natalie Portman
Several years ago I met Natalie Portman in Portland, and we immedately fell in love with one another. I walked up to her in the middle of the mall and said, ” I just wanted to let you know that you’re my favorite actress,” as I shook her hand. She looked me straight in the eyes and said “thanks,” before walking off. Initially I thought I might have blown my chance with my all-time favorite woman, but as she was walking away, she looked back and smiled at me. Sure, some might assume that I had “creeped her out,” and she was just looking back to make sure I wasn’t “following her to kill her,” but I know in my heart she was just looking back to tell me with her eyes, “someday we will be together, forever.” Yes we will, Natalie… yes we will…