Facebook Offenders

Facebook Status Updates: The New Way to Brag

On any given day I find myself bombarded with a wide array of useless status updates on Facebook. It literally astounds me what some people are willing to share with their friends and family. While a lot of people will argue, “well I’m just an open person, if they’re really friends, they won’t judge me.” WRONG! That’s absolutely, 100% what we all do. I honestly can’t make it more clear than this: We are all laughing at you. We are all judging you. We all think less of you when you post your moronic status updates. Is it wrong? Debatable. Yet, it’s the truth. Your absurd disregard for your own privacy leads us to a newfound emotion that science has just recently discovered called Facebook Fury.

Facebook Fury – The act of audibly cursing toward the computer screen after reading an exceptionally inane or unnoteworthy status update from your friend/s.

Listen, I get it… Facebook status updates are there for posting those innocent life events, and broadcasts them to your friends so they can be updated on what you’re up to if they’re so inclined to take an interest. If you’re going to an interesting event, concert, or movie… cool, I’m sure there are a few people that will be interested in that. It’s something they can respond to, and they can ask you how it was, maybe even encouraging them to do the same thing. Hell, post the lyrics to the new Rebecca Black – Friday song… it’s current pop culture, and people can laugh and relate to what you’re talking about.

Yet there are still a lot of people that suffer from severe social retardation. While friends and family may be interested in your current activities, where you’ve been, or where you’re going… there is definitely a line drawn in the sand concerning how much we want to know about you. When you’re updating your status, consistently telling us about how sad and pathetic your life is, we’re not concerned as much as we are shocked that you’re forcing your misery into the public eye as a cry for help. We want to be your friend, not your therapist. After seeing your sad-sap updates we’re going to avoid you like the plague, because we don’t want to spend our free time picking up the pieces of the disastrous life you’ve created for yourself.

As if the pity partiers aren’t enough to send me into the frenzy, I’ve noticed an aggravating increase in douchebraggers in the past few months.

Douchebrag – Defined as a douche that uses the Facebook status to brag about something no one gives a shit about, except themselves.

Douchebrags are typically those asshole friends that are ALWAYS trying to make themselves look good in their status updates, and in the same breath of arrogance, try to make you feel like a lesser person for not doing the same, or having the same things that they do. These are people that if they were alive in biblical times, there’s no question they would have been a better carpenter than Jesus.

“Just got back from the gym, so glad I didn’t sit on the couch and do nothing all day.”

I can guarantee you that not a single person that reads your status cares that you were at the gym. What is the point of even posting such a pointless status update, beyond the fact that you’re just going out of the way to promote yourself, and feel the need to tell people that you work out? Trust me, you’re not the only one that goes to the gym, it’s nothing to brag about.

“Heading to Church tonight, feeling sorry for those who think the only way to have fun on the weekend is to drink.”

Don’t even get me started on the hypocrisies of the Bible thumpers out there. This is a status I read last week, and made me want to throw my computer through the damn wall. Way to brag about going to Church, and in the same status, judge those that chose not to. That’s all I’m going to say about that, because I plan on eventually doing an entire thrashing of the God Squad at a later date.

Finally, you’ve got the douchebrags that ALWAYS post status updates about what they’re going to be doing, and you just know they’re never going to follow through with it. They just throw up a load of bullshit to make themselves look good, then neglect to update you that they never ended up accomplishing the feat they shoved in your face for all those weeks.

“Just signed up for the Seattle marathon, going to be awesome…” “Training for the marathon today!” “oh man, so much running, my nipples are chapped. I’m an assclown!”

Yet they seem to forget to update their status the day after the marathon they were supposed to run with, “oops, was too hung over this morning and slept in.” We’re not stupid… we know you never intended on running it, we know you probably trained for one day tops, then figured out it was going to be too much work, but yeah… just go ahead and let on like you ran it anyway. Asshole.

Please, for the love of all that is good, stop and ask yourself one question before you press the “Share” button from now on. It literally takes one second to ask this question, and half a second to answer. Yet this is a question that a large portion of Facebook users don’t take the limited time to ask themselves before posting a status update. Regardless of if you have one friend, or a thousand friends, PLEASE start asking yourself this one important questions before clicking that button, “Who cares?” Everyone can fully recognize your need for attention. We recognize that when you’re bragging about your material things, or amazing worldly accomplishments, you’re just doing so to hide your insecurities, and that you feel as if the best way to get validation is to make yourself look good. Please, for my sanity, start asking yourself that one simple question.

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