I woke up on day 2 with a pretty bad headache, which isn’t that typical for me, since I rarely get them unless I have a fever. After digging around on google for a while, I think I nailed it down to the lack of protein that I was eating. Therefore I started adding some Hemp Protein to my morning smoothie, which has definitely been helping. The only drawback is that my delicious smoothie now tastes all grainy, and looks like I blended up a pound of goose shit. Still tastes pretty good though.

Also on day 2 I tried the brown rice with my veggies, instead of the potato… still tasted like absolute asshole (kinda like Absolute Vodka, but just a lot worse, and you don’t get drunk). The next morning I ran down to Safeway and picked up some:

La Choy Teriyaki Sauce (not that great, will prob try a new brand next time)
Wasabi Sesame Seeds
Sambal Oelek Fresh Ground Chili Paste
and some Soy Sauce

Beyond all that jazz, snacking kinda sucks as a vegan. The almonds are great, but I can only have so many unless I want to turn into a fat jackoff. The soy beans are actually far better than I ever expected, and very filling, but for a full month? Have a feeling I’ll get sick of them sooner, rather than later. Any ideas on snacks would be great! I wonder if it would be healthy to eat packets of Taco Bell hot sauce as a snack… ANYWAY, below you can find my shitty food for days 2 & 3!

Day 2

Day 3

Calories for day 2: 1328  Weight: 194.06
Calories for day 3: 1412  Weight: 194

(Fun Facts: Height: 6’0″ / Starting Weight: 197.6)

 Also, don’t forget to “LIKE” the fan page, for automatic updates on new posts!

I don’t have much of an appetite in general, so I wasn’t super hungry for lunch. I just ended up eating a handful of unsalted almonds… they weren’t too bad either.

Finally, for dinner I had a couple cups of fresh veggies, a potato, and sliced up a jalapeño for some extra flavor. Not going to lie, the whole thing tasted like a pile or dirt had shit all over my food. Right about the moment I was about to end my life, I remembered the fresh bottle of sriracha in my fridge. After a quick google search, I realized that it was vegan and I could spice up my food with it. After that, I was golden.

As for snacks this evening, I had some baby carrots with hummus, which I hated. Then I had some more almonds and made another smoothie.

For those of you that said that I should keep track of my calorie intake, and weight during the month… or if you’re just interested:

Calories for the Day: 1260
Weight: 196

(Fun Facts: Height: 6’0″ / Starting Weight: 197.6)

]]> http://ninjalove.com/operation-vegan-day-1/feed/ 0 http://ninjalove.com/operation-vegan/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=operation-vegan http://ninjalove.com/operation-vegan/#comments Sat, 18 Feb 2012 07:43:58 +0000 Ryan http://ninjalove.com/?p=1433 So I made fun of my wannabe hippie friend for not making it a week trying to be a vegan, and he claimed that I “couldn’t make it 2 days the way I eat.” Therefore, since I have to go to the extreme in every choice I make, for the next MONTH I’m going vegan, and as a bonus I’ll be doing it eating only fresh fruits, veggies, brown rice, and oats. I will also be criticizing what everyone else eats during this period, so that everyone knows how superior I am. Since I am, and will be, a lifelong meat eater that has always made fun of the vegan/vegetarian lifestyle, I feel that it’s only fair that I make fun of all non-vegan/vegitarians while I myself become one.

Step 1 of Operation: Vegan was to head to my local Costco to load up on all the crap that healthy people, and vegans, eat. My vegan starter kit included:

Stir-Fry Vegtible Blend
Normandy Style Vegtible Blend
Strawberries
Natures Three Berries (Raspberries, Blueberries, Blackberries)
Festival Blend (Mangos, Payaya, Strawberries, Pineapples)
Edamame Natural Soy Beans
An assload of canned corn and green beans
Lentils & Quinoa
Spinache
and obviously, Quaker Oats!!

Mmmmm, yum, right?? My fridge & freezer now look like a hippies wet dream. So after doing some research on the vegan diet, I found out that since I’m no longer eating meat, and won’t be comsuming any dairy for the month, that I’m going to have to take a shit ton of of suppliments to go along with this god forbidden lifestyle. Which brought me to Step 2… a trip to Bartell Drugs to grab the following:

I even got a sweet pill organizer that old people use to sort their medicine!!

Finally, it was time for The Last Supper. Now obviously if I was being executed tomorrow, my choice of a last meal would be Taco Bell, but since I’m just going vegan for a month (a close second to being executed), I decided to go with Outback Steak House. As you’ll see, I was overwhelmed with joy. Wish me luck, Operation: Vegan starts tomorrow!

Now that I’ve reached my 30′s, I’ve found that my days have been consumed by working the typical 9-5 job, watching my tv shows, maybe a movie, then heading to bed to start it all over again the next day. I’ve basically become a complacent, uninteresting, buttfuck. Not only is that not interesting for me to write about, but who would want to read about that? I tried writing “funny stories” for people to read, just to get back into the whole blog thing… then I got tired of always trying to be funny, and everything I wrote just seemed too forced.

This has brought me to my current idea. Initially it was just to get off my lazy ass, and start trying new things. Its just too easy for me to be lazy, and to be honest, I LOVE being lazy, so that is why force is necessary. Yeah, so as I was saying, my initial idea was just to force myself to try at least one new thing every week. That brought about my next idea… why not write about it?

Not only does this force me to go out and try something new each week (or at least as often as time and money permits), but it also allows me to write again, which will also hold me accountable for whatever I’m trying to accomplish. It doubt it will all be funny, but as always, it will be honest, unfiltered, and definitly vulgar. Enjoy!

NOTE: Feel free to “LIKE” the page on Facebook once again. I didn’t delete anyone, Facebook just merged it with my actual Facebook page, and for some reason I lost all of my precious fans!

Also, I’m still working out a lot of bugs with the new look, so bare with me.

It all started this morning in biology class, where the students were studying the animals that were collected from the school’s pond. Why a high school has its own pond, along with a collection of wildlife that lives there may seem unsafe or illogical to some, that is beside the point. It doesn’t take too long before shit hits the fan and Zack comes sprinting into the room with an enormous duck that he accidentally hit with a baseball. I mean, even though I use to get in trouble for simply running through the halls in high school, this is Bayside, so obviously running through the hallways, between class, with a huge ass duck is perfectly natural. I also learned that playing baseball by a pond is a HUGE disaster waiting to happen!

After being assured that the duck would be ok, Zack is allowed to care for it until it’s better and can be released back into the wild (that once again, just happens to be on the premises). While I didn’t quite understand how a senior in high school, with no veterinarian experience, becomes qualified to care for a wild animal, I quickly dropped all concern when I found out that Mr. Belding use to have a personal relationship with this particular duck, and feeds him every morning at the pond. He has even named him Becky… although why Mr. Belding would give a male duck a female name really opens up a whole nother bag of issues, I quickly decide that I’m too stressed out to even begin comprehending this madness at the moment.

Later, as Zack and his duck are sitting at The Max (why wouldn’t a live duck be allowed in a food establishment?), and talking about how cute he is, Slater runs in and tells the gang that oil was found on the football field, while installing a goal post! While ignoring the fact that they struck oil after digging 20 feet, my thoughts were immediately drawn to the excitement brought on by the discovery. Since obviously they’re going to share a billion dollar oil find with the students and staff that are currently attending the high school, the kids immediately realize that they’re all going to be super rich!

The next day, they release all of the animals back into the schools pond, and Zack says goodbye to Becky. Little did he know, this goodbye would last a lifetime. It wasn’t even an hour later that Slater comes running back in another panic, telling everyone that there’s been a mother fucking oil spill on the football field! OH SNAPPPPPP, SON!!!! Instead of acting like normal students and avoiding such a disaster, they obviously run straight to the huge oil spill, and find poor Becky dead!

The following day, a heartbroken Zack gives a passionate speech in front of Mr. Belding, and the schools board, and begs them not to start oil drilling on campus. Saddened by a 3 minutes speech, by a student that had just lost a duck that he had cared for the past 3 days, the board decides not to make billions of dollars by drilling for oil, and to preserve the pond for future ducks. The impossible has been accomplished, Zack Morris is God! Reason 2,398 that I use Saved by the Bell not only as a moral compass in my day-to-day life, but also as my grounds for all reality and common sense.

1. People that take their shirts off when they’re getting into a fight. Seriously, it’s not like its some huge tactical battle you’re engaging in. You aren’t going to gain some strategic edge because the other person can no longer grab your shirt. If you’re really facing a trained fighter, it’s not going to matter if your shirt is on or off, he’s going to whip your ass regardless

2. Douche bags who talk down and lecture other people about things that they use to do.

3. The really really black guy in my building with really really light blue eyes, you creep me out. Is that racist? Seriously, the dude is Wesley Snipes black, how the hell do you have bright blue eyes like that? Scares the shit out of me every time I see him!

4. Fat people… honestly, could you be more slow? There’s nothing more annoying than getting stuck behind someone that insists on taking their god damn time with everything they do.

5. Foreign customer service… yes, because after exhausting all of my options, I want my last resort to be talking to Asmilidibab Hakmalican over in India, who you’ve conveniently renamed Bill Hodge to relate to your american audience, and not understand a word he says through his thick ass accent and broken english. Brilliant idea, definitely going to be a return customer!

Facebook Fury – The act of audibly cursing toward the computer screen after reading an exceptionally inane or unnoteworthy status update from your friend/s.

Listen, I get it… Facebook status updates are there for posting those innocent life events, and broadcasts them to your friends so they can be updated on what you’re up to if they’re so inclined to take an interest. If you’re going to an interesting event, concert, or movie… cool, I’m sure there are a few people that will be interested in that. It’s something they can respond to, and they can ask you how it was, maybe even encouraging them to do the same thing. Hell, post the lyrics to the new Rebecca Black – Friday song… it’s current pop culture, and people can laugh and relate to what you’re talking about.

Yet there are still a lot of people that suffer from severe social retardation. While friends and family may be interested in your current activities, where you’ve been, or where you’re going… there is definitely a line drawn in the sand concerning how much we want to know about you. When you’re updating your status, consistently telling us about how sad and pathetic your life is, we’re not concerned as much as we are shocked that you’re forcing your misery into the public eye as a cry for help. We want to be your friend, not your therapist. After seeing your sad-sap updates we’re going to avoid you like the plague, because we don’t want to spend our free time picking up the pieces of the disastrous life you’ve created for yourself.

As if the pity partiers aren’t enough to send me into the frenzy, I’ve noticed an aggravating increase in douchebraggers in the past few months.

Douchebrag – Defined as a douche that uses the Facebook status to brag about something no one gives a shit about, except themselves.

Douchebrags are typically those asshole friends that are ALWAYS trying to make themselves look good in their status updates, and in the same breath of arrogance, try to make you feel like a lesser person for not doing the same, or having the same things that they do. These are people that if they were alive in biblical times, there’s no question they would have been a better carpenter than Jesus.

“Just got back from the gym, so glad I didn’t sit on the couch and do nothing all day.”

I can guarantee you that not a single person that reads your status cares that you were at the gym. What is the point of even posting such a pointless status update, beyond the fact that you’re just going out of the way to promote yourself, and feel the need to tell people that you work out? Trust me, you’re not the only one that goes to the gym, it’s nothing to brag about.

“Heading to Church tonight, feeling sorry for those who think the only way to have fun on the weekend is to drink.”

Don’t even get me started on the hypocrisies of the Bible thumpers out there. This is a status I read last week, and made me want to throw my computer through the damn wall. Way to brag about going to Church, and in the same status, judge those that chose not to. That’s all I’m going to say about that, because I plan on eventually doing an entire thrashing of the God Squad at a later date.

Finally, you’ve got the douchebrags that ALWAYS post status updates about what they’re going to be doing, and you just know they’re never going to follow through with it. They just throw up a load of bullshit to make themselves look good, then neglect to update you that they never ended up accomplishing the feat they shoved in your face for all those weeks.

“Just signed up for the Seattle marathon, going to be awesome…” “Training for the marathon today!” “oh man, so much running, my nipples are chapped. I’m an assclown!”

Yet they seem to forget to update their status the day after the marathon they were supposed to run with, “oops, was too hung over this morning and slept in.” We’re not stupid… we know you never intended on running it, we know you probably trained for one day tops, then figured out it was going to be too much work, but yeah… just go ahead and let on like you ran it anyway. Asshole.

Please, for the love of all that is good, stop and ask yourself one question before you press the “Share” button from now on. It literally takes one second to ask this question, and half a second to answer. Yet this is a question that a large portion of Facebook users don’t take the limited time to ask themselves before posting a status update. Regardless of if you have one friend, or a thousand friends, PLEASE start asking yourself this one important questions before clicking that button, “Who cares?” Everyone can fully recognize your need for attention. We recognize that when you’re bragging about your material things, or amazing worldly accomplishments, you’re just doing so to hide your insecurities, and that you feel as if the best way to get validation is to make yourself look good. Please, for my sanity, start asking yourself that one simple question.

Last week while using the restroom at work, I entered to find a gentleman using urinal 1 of 3. Therefore, dictated by man-law, I kept my head down and walked to the furthest urinal away from the man, to minimize the chance of contact. The next thing I know, I see the douche bag turning his head and looking over at me, as if trying to see if he knew who I was.

Rule #1: NEVER make eye contact or look at another man while he is going to the bathroom. This could be viewed as a proposition, and could lead to a severe beat down, or an unwanted sexual encounter in one of the stalls. ALWAYS look straight forward at the wall while you are going to the bathroom. Once complete: flush, turn, head down, walk to the sink to wash your hands, and immediately leave.

Unfortunately, this wasn’t the only rule broken during this horrific bathroom break. While in there, another man walks in and uses the urinal between the two of us.

Rule #2: Always maintain a buffer zone. If you enter a men’s room, and find that there’s already two patrons using the urinals, at equal distance from one another, you have 1 of 3 options. You could:
          a) Use one of the stalls
          b) Pretend that you were just coming in to wash your hands really fast, waiting for one of the men to vacate one of the urinals; or
          c) Turn around, and come back later.

NEVER, under any circumstance, break the buffer zone. The ONLY time this is EVER ok is if you’re at a massive gathering such as a sporting event, concert, etc, and you will be forced to piss yourself if you do not break this rule. Even then, pissing yourself would be a favorable outcome.

Finally, to top it all off, the new entrant in the men’s room happened to be a coworker, and started talking to me.

Rule #3: Never under ANY circumstance is it appropriate to say a word to another man while in the bathroom. Even if God himself starts speaking to you, do NOT respond. I don’t care if this is your best friend in the world, and he’s asking you a simple yes or no question. When you’re in the men’s room, you do not know ANYONE, and under no circumstance strike up a conversation.

Essentially what I’m saying is this: There is no possible reason that two men with a dick in their hand need to be looking or talking to one another while using the men’s room. Walk in, do your business, wash you hands, and get the hell out of there.

When it comes to me personally, I totally get it… you want to find out of the legend is true. To save myself and others from this awkward moment, I will finally set the record straight. Yes, the legend of The Sledgehammer is in fact true. Yes, The Sledgehammer was made so perfectly that there is a constellation named after it. Yet, just because I was blessed, does not mean I should be punished for it. If you want to see it you can look up to the sky every single night, and adore it from afar.

1. People that say the word “parentals.” This isn’t 1998, and you’re not Lindsay Lohan starring in The Parent Trap. If you ever star in your own ABC Family – Made for TV Movie, you can sound like a douche then.

2. The guy in my building that answers his phone with “yellow?” Now ends his calls with “Keep on keepin’ on.” Now I really want to kill him!

3. Assholes who talk REALLLLY loud on the phone, so everyone can hear how “important” their conversation is. Trust me, creepy middle aged dude sitting by all the high school girls, if your conversations were really that important, you wouldn’t be sitting in a Starbucks talking on your hot pink, Motorola Razor during office hours.

4. People who say “birfday.” You don’t sound ‘cute,’ you sound like a mentally challenged douche that got punched in the mouth.

5. Morons that use internet lingo in everyday conversation. There is no possible reason that you need to be saying “O.M.G.” or “LOLing!!” You sound like a 15 year old valley girl with the intelligence of salad dressing.

6. My annoying coworker that is now going around claiming she looks like Kristen Stewart. Your face looks like it lost a battle with a pitching machine, and you’re built like a goddamn water buffalo. It might be safer to say you ATE Kristen Stewart, rather than running around telling people that you look like her.

Step 1: Immediately after the breakup, log onto Facebook to change your status to single, and unfriend your ex. This gives the illusion that you were the one that instigated the break up, regardless of if it’s true. This will give you the initial upper hand, and will bring in tons more sympathy than if you were the second one to react.

Step 2: Now, this next part is VERY important. Unless you’re a complete idiot, your profile is on a friends only privacy setting. You’ll want to change this to public so that your now ex can view your profile and see all the shit talking, and new photos you’ll be posting. I will get into this more later.

Step 3:  At this point, you should have already collected enough sympathy and shit talking comments on your wall to start responding to them. Make sure to monitor the comments on your new “single status” carefully in order to comment on each and every statement. You will also need to reply to every “like” on the new status as well. For example, if you’re a female, it will include a lot of the following:

“Ya gurl, single FINALLY!!! girls night out asap to go fishing for hotties!!” 

“sooo happy to be single, lets hit the clubs!!!”

Also making sure that when boys that like your status… you respond with lots of smiley wink faces, hearts and giggles.

If you’re a male, this will include a lot of:

“YES!! Back on the market, bros! Lets tap some azz!!!!” 

“Line up da bitchez, I be back yo! Where are da hot clubz now?! LOL!!!!”

Also make sure to tell each female how hot she is, and how much you would like to get together when she shows you sympathy.

Step 4: While you’re collecting a shit-ton of comments on your new single status, and gathering up all of the attention you wanted, you need to be untagging your ex in all of your pictures. You may also completely delete all pictures of you two off of your profile at this time. They both have the same effect, you just want to show that you are eliminating all traces of them off of your profile. Obviously you’re already over them, so you need to prove it by doing so.

Step 5: It’s time to add new photos. This will be an ongoing process. You’ll first want to put up pictures of you and other girls/guys, that have been hidden away on your computer while you were dating. Be certain that your new profile picture is one of you before you were dating, when you were much thinner and younger. If you have pictures of you and other exes, that you’re civil with, you’ll want to repost these pictures as well.

Secondly, get out there and party! Make sure while out you’re talking to as many people of the opposite sex as you can, and GET PICTURES! The next day, you’ll want to carefully edit out any pictures that make you look like a goon, and post all of the pictures with random people you’ve met. Those pictures will tell your ex that you’re already out hooking at the bars.

Step 6: Now you’re to the part of the breakup where you have to start making suggestive, yet vague, status updates. The following will work great:

“OMG only got 2 hours of sleep last night but TOTALLY worth it!!! LOL OMG WTF!!”

or

“I don’t remember anything from last night!!! so ooo crazy!! LOVE MY GURLZ!” 

The status updates are very important, because they let the other person know that you’ve moved on with you life. Even though you dated for several years/month, 3 days later you’re already having the time of your life. This will be a devastating, yet important, blow to the ex’s psyche.

Step 7: Now it’s time for the heartbreaker… a finishing move done ONLY by the professional Facebook Breakup Artist. At this point, you’re going to change your status back to “in a relationship,” and you’re going to let it sit until enough people, including your ex, has seen it. At this time, you’re going to make your profile private once again, and change your status to “in a relationship with…” and make it one of your friends of the same sex. Your friends will think its funny, and your ex will still only have the information that you’re already in a new relationship. It’s win/win, if you ask me!

Step 8: Pat yourself on the back… you’ve officially embarrassed yourself, and your ex, by being an emotional attention whore that feels the need to air personal business with the general public. You’re pathetic, and we’re all laughing at you behind your back. Retard.