Mens bathrooms have been far superior to women’s restrooms due to their much faster processing times, although recent incidents have caused me to believe this could change at a moments notice. I fear that the unwritten social contract that all men must abide by, to ensure a steady flow in and out of the men’s room, is no longer universally embraced. If action is not taken, we could see an increase in social awkwardness, violence, and line time. Here is a situation I have recently faced, and the rules that were broken.

Last week while using the restroom at work, I entered to find a gentleman using urinal 1 of 3. Therefore, dictated by man-law, I kept my head down and walked to the furthest urinal away from the man, to minimize the chance of contact. The next thing I know, I see the douche bag turning his head and looking over at me, as if trying to see if he knew who I was.

Rule #1: NEVER make eye contact or look at another man while he is going to the bathroom. This could be viewed as a proposition, and could lead to a severe beat down, or an unwanted sexual encounter in one of the stalls. ALWAYS look straight forward at the wall while you are going to the bathroom. Once complete: flush, turn, head down, walk to the sink to wash your hands, and immediately leave.

Unfortunately, this wasn’t the only rule broken during this horrific bathroom break. While in there, another man walks in and uses the urinal between the two of us.

Rule #2: Always maintain a buffer zone. If you enter a men’s room, and find that there’s already two patrons using the urinals, at equal distance from one another, you have 1 of 3 options. You could:
          a) Use one of the stalls
          b) Pretend that you were just coming in to wash your hands really fast, waiting for one of the men to vacate one of the urinals; or
          c) Turn around, and come back later.

NEVER, under any circumstance, break the buffer zone. The ONLY time this is EVER ok is if you’re at a massive gathering such as a sporting event, concert, etc, and you will be forced to piss yourself if you do not break this rule. Even then, pissing yourself would be a favorable outcome.

Finally, to top it all off, the new entrant in the men’s room happened to be a coworker, and started talking to me.

Rule #3: Never under ANY circumstance is it appropriate to say a word to another man while in the bathroom. Even if God himself starts speaking to you, do NOT respond. I don’t care if this is your best friend in the world, and he’s asking you a simple yes or no question. When you’re in the men’s room, you do not know ANYONE, and under no circumstance strike up a conversation.

Essentially what I’m saying is this: There is no possible reason that two men with a dick in their hand need to be looking or talking to one another while using the men’s room. Walk in, do your business, wash you hands, and get the hell out of there.

When it comes to me personally, I totally get it… you want to find out of the legend is true. To save myself and others from this awkward moment, I will finally set the record straight. Yes, the legend of The Sledgehammer is in fact true. Yes, The Sledgehammer was made so perfectly that there is a constellation named after it. Yet, just because I was blessed, does not mean I should be punished for it. If you want to see it you can look up to the sky every single night, and adore it from afar.