I’m too tired to think of something to write tonight, so I’ve decided to inform you about some important discoveries that I’ve stumbled upon during my month of being a vegan. I’ve been working closely with my associate, Dr. Travis Reid, who holds a PhD in Ancient Vegan History, a masters in Vegan Theory, along with a doctorate in Quantum Vegan Mechanics. After several months in the lab we can give you, without any doubt, a list of the most significant facts about veganism to date.
- The earliest known photograph of a vegan was taken in the prehistoric era, when dinosaurs ruled the earth. In the prehistoric era, vegans were known as herbivores, and the meat eaters were known as carnivores. All of the carnivores died of heart attacks, and STDs, because they were so unhealthy. After the carnivores died, the herbivores lived in peace for several centuries, until they evolved into humans.
- Religion came to into existence to explain the differences in eating amongst species. There was a God, that was guiding the good (vegans)… and a devil, who was making people crave meat, which in turn caused them to become evil. It was at this point that the vegans wrote the book that would later become known as The Bible.
“Make sure that nobody devours flesh for it is wrong, but always try to be kind to those who partake in the plants of this world and the next. If this is not followed, the sinner will burn for all eternity in hell.” – 1 Thessalonians 5:15
After publishing The Bible, it quickly travelled up the NYTimes Best Seller list, and was widely read by the masses. Although it was clearly laid out that eating meat was pure evil, this did not prevent the gross, despicable act from happening. This is what lead to the Holy Wars.
- During the Holy Wars, vegans were being prosecuted by the meat eaters for being too awesome and perfect, so it was at this time that they decided to hide their most precious secrets within the Ark of the Covenant. They feared that if the meat eaters found them, they would definitely destroy their way of life forever. The Ark was given to the Knights Templar for protection, since they were the most vegan of all vegans. The contents of Ark remained a secret for many centuries, until one day when it was found on the porch of a random vegan woman in Ohio. She opened the box to find all of the mysteries that had been hidden away for so very long. The Ark of the Covenant held the most delicious vegetables of all time, and at the bottom of those vegetables? The recipe for tofu…
See, this is what happens when I’m too tired to write… shit like this comes out of my head. I apologize in advance, and I’ll try harder next time. So anyway… the past couple days I tried Nate’s Zesty Italian Meatless Meatballs, and Vegan Black Pepper Steaks. Both were amazing… I was going to look up what they are actually made out of, but I was too lazy. Like an absolute raging whore, I again mixed up some of my Veri Veri Teriyaki sauce with some rice/veggies to go along with them. God, I’m SUCH a slut. Anyway, here are the pics from the past couple days. Once again, I’ll try harder next time to come up with something more interesting to post. (btw, I just reread this before I posted, prob the dumbest post of all time… go me!)
Calories for day 24: 1530 Weight: 188.08
Calories for day 25: 1620 Weight: 188.04
(Fun Facts: Height: 6’0″ / Starting Weight: 197.6)
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