Deep Thoughts...

Pictures You Shouldn’t Post

You really have to wonder what some people are thinking when they choose which photos they present to the public. Whether it’s Facebook, or one of the many dating sites out there, I see so many instances of misrepresentation that it makes me curious if these people actually view themselves in the way they’re trying to be perceived by the rest of the world. Here are a few of the instances I’m talking about.

Facebook –

1. First off, what’s up with the headshots? Last time I checked, Facebook isn’t a modeling agency. No one cares about your flawless airbrushed skin, or your $300 haircut with freshly bleached tips. Everyone realizes your deep seated need for attention, and to be told how beautiful you are (to momentarily silence your insecurities), but we’re your friends, not your therapist. On the other hand, if the only time we ever saw you was on a gorgeous sandy beach, with the ocean in the background, and you with a constant Blue Steel pose… then yes, your profile picture might be appropriate.

2. Second, enough with the making out pics. We get it, you’re in love and want to show the world. But when your profile pictures start to resemble an armature porn shoot, its time to take some classes in tact. No one wants to see the latest photograph of you and your boyfriend dryhumping between a couple dumpsters, or you trying to see how far you can swallow his tongue before you gag. Not only is it not hot, it makes us wonder if we’re friends with a 16 year old.

3. Finally, some baby pictures are cute, I get it, but learn to draw the line somewhere. Maybe I’m just getting to that age where everyone is having kids except for me, but Jesus Christ… every Sunday when I wake up and check my profile, I instantly enter panic mode and think, “Oh fuck, I blacked out and added an assload of newborns as friends, again!” I’d just prefer to see my friends pictures, not the latest picture of Baby Gaga with spit bubbles sliding down his face.

Dating sites –

1. Post pictures of YOU, not who you WISH you looked like! I’ll admit I signed up for Match 5-6 years ago, and met two people (WHOLE nother article on that mess). I have to admit, the picture of the second girl I met was a tad too perfect. Short, petite, and so beautiful that I wondered why she couldn’t find a date in her everyday life. Holy shit, I can’t even describe to you my horror when the devilsaurus rex clawed her way into the Starbucks we were meeting at. She was unfortunately tall (probably 6’4), had jacked up teeth that looked like daggers whittled from ivory, and was built like the goddamn walrus. As soon as she sat down, I literally said, “yeah, I don’t think so,” got up, and walked out.

2. Once again, headshots, yet not the same kind. The pictures where you can tell they have been cropped from the neck up, as if you’re not going to be able to figure out why. Trust me, everyone is going to immediately assume that you eat more fast food than the Hamburgler, darling… you’re not fooling anyone. Why not just be real, put yourself out there, and find someone that’s going to accept you the way you are. This is a dating site, after all… a guy should know up front that he’ll be paying for a $200 meal, rather than a $60 one.

3. Kind of the opposite of #2, but those cropped pictures that only focus on the body, and not the face. Or the annoying angled pictures that females always try to pull off that skim the face, but show the slender body. Yes, 99 out of 100 guys will go on a date with you after seeing those pictures, because 99 out of 100 guys share the dumbass notion, “well she has a nice body, her face has gotta be bomb!”  WRONG! They’re going to run for the hills as soon as you walk in and have a closer resemblance to a disfigured piglet, than an actual human.

I just don’t get it. I’m not photogenic AT ALL, but at least I put everything up. The good, the bad, and the ugly. At least then when people see me out in public they’ll say, “wow, you’re like a young Burt Reynolds, your pictures were quite misleading!” And folks, that makes it all worth it to me!

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