Peoples complete and utter lack of self awareness and stupidity never cease to amaze me. I swear to God that every time I step into a mall, I could break out my camera and have a field day, virtually creating a who’s who of fucktards in the greater Seattle area. I think the main thing that stands out to me is the way people choose to dress in public. Of course, if you call out someones lack of awareness when it comes to this, they’ll defend themselves with the typical ‘they’re just secure with themselves,’ or that they’re ‘confident’… what-the-hell-ever… the only think I’M confident about is that fact that you’re grossing out us normies (that’s what I call normal people)!!
Since I’m pretty damn nice, I’m going to pass on my fashion knowledge to the masses. I’ll start with:
If you’re fat, don’t wear skin tight clothing. Please. Really, please don’t… it makes me puke in my mouth. A lot. Honestly, I know I’m not going to be the cover boy for next months Men’s Fitness Magazine, so I make sure that when I go out I wear clothing that covers my body appropriately (my entire body, mind you). I’m not delusional enough to leave my house in a muscle shirt and skinny jeans, because I know it would look like I’m pregnant with twins.
I saw one man this afternoon walking around with a pair of the tightest jeans that I’ve ever seen on another human being. If that wasn’t bad enough, he was wearing this skin tight wife beater, that you could see straight through due to all the sweat, to reveal his gorgeous mane of chest and back hair. I can’t even begin to describe the horror. I swear to God it looked like Grimace from those creepy, old school McDonalds commercials. If that wasn’t bad enough, he was lurking around between the Apple and Microsoft stores, scoping out all the girls. Just starring and sweating like the gross beast that he was. Lucky for him, I found his dream girl not too long after.
So on the way out of the mall I had to walk through Nordstrom to get to the parking garage. What I saw stomping around in that place can only be described as a female version of the Michelin Man… so I guess, the Michelin Woman? Oh holy God… not only was this creature wearing a pair of spandex stretched so far that it left nothing to the imagination, but she was wearing a belly shirt! A BELLY SHIRT! Not just a shirt that was too small to cover her junkyard of spare tires… she was wearing a honest to God belly shirt! WHY WOULD YOU WEAR THAT?! Are you serious?! What made you think that was a good idea when you were getting dressed this morning?!
Ok… so what I’m proposing is this. I made up a rule on my way home tonight, that I strongly believe all humans should abide by. It is going to be called The Donkey Kong Rule. I’m sure everyone, young and old, is familiar with the game Donkey Kong. So now, imagine that the game was real, and you were a part of it. Who would you be? Are you A) the athletic character that’s running around, jumping over and dodging huge ass barrels? Or are you B) the enormous gorilla that’s standing around throwing those barrels? If you picked A, then feel free to wear all the tight ass clothes you want. If the answer is B, please don’t torture the rest of us. Not only are you embarrassing yourself, but you’re making me physically ill.