Saved by the Bell

Tragedy Hits Bayside

I suffered a conniption fit this morning after feeling like I’d ran a goddamn OMG-athon, and it’s all due to those wacky kids out at Bayside! WARNING: If wiley hijinks, deceptive plots, and mass hysteria stress you out as much as they do me, DO NOT READ ON!

So first off this morning, I find out that Zack and Kelly are going to an upcoming dance together as friends, because Kelly isn’t ready to go steady yet (because she is a total slut, and wants to sleep around, I’m sure). So instead of pressing the issue, Zack pulls a total pimp move and buys her a friendship ring, and tells her “friendship is the boat that happy people sail on.”  Yeah, I know, right??  CHEW ON THAT SLICE OF ROMANCE, KAPOWSKI!

Later I come to find out they’ll all be taking a drivers education class in order to get their license. After finding out that Slater has not only just bought a new car, but will also be turning 16 seven months BEFORE Zack, Kelly of course starts skanking out all over him, which makes Zack jealous. That is, of course, when Zack comes up with another one of his brilliant schemes to cause Slater to FAIL the drivers ed class, so he’ll have to wait!

So first off, Zack tells the drivers ed instructor, Mr. Tuttle, that Slater has been talking MAD shit about how he’s a way better driver than the teacher!! Instead of being skeptical or just plain not caring about something that a teenage student has to say, Mr. Tuttle gets pisssssssed, and tries to make an example out of Slater! So during their first lesson in driving, which mysteriously consisted of driving a 3-wheeled ghetto-buggy around 4 street cones in a 500 square foot classroom, he forces Slater to go first! Slater kills it, which impresses both the teacher AND Kelly, and Mr. Tuttle even asks Slater to be an assistant driving instructor the following year! Slater ends up turning him down, saying, “I’ll be spending next year driving my lady around,” and looks over at that whore Kelly! OMG WTF!!!!

OK, ok, ok… so at this point Zack master minds another amazing plan in which he pays Slater $20 to teach him to drive like he does, in hopes that Mr. Belding will catch him driving the golf cart around the halls, and fail him! Yet brilliance turns to tragedy when slutbag Kelly conveniently pops up, showing off her front-butt (camel toe) no less, and her and Slater get into a HUGE ass wreck by driving into lockers, which for some reason weren’t secured to the walls, and crash down on Kelly’s head! SO. MUCH. DRAMA!!!!!!!!!

After escaping the scene of the crime, Mr. Belding comes out and sees the mess, and is furious! He has no clue who has caused all of this ruckus, but assumes it is Zack. Since no one will admit to it, they all think Mr. Belding will just let it go, but then he tells the class that if no one comes forward, THEY ALL FAIL!!! At this point, Slater mans up and says, “I was in the seat. I’ll take the heat!” HOLY FUCK BALLS! So with Slater taking the blame, you would think that all this mess would be over and done with, but you would be totally wrong!

Eventually Screetch accidentally lets it slip that this was all part of Zack’s plan, and mother fucking madness erupts at Bayside! So then that trick-ass-bitch Kelly fakes an even worse injury than she has, and pretends she has amnesia, and is falling in love with Slater! At this point I’m kneeeling over in pain from all of my internal bleeding brought on by this episode, but peace of mind wasn’t too far behind when Zack takes the blame, and fails drivers education, while Slater only gets 2 weeks detention. REALLY?! Ummm… last time I checked, Slater was the one that crashed the golf cart, Mr. Belding! He’d obviously been drinking a ton of Haterade at that point! UGH!!

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