So apparently Valentine’s Day is coming up here in a few days. I’ve never been one that’s good with dates. I can figure out when Christmas, Halloween, New Years, and the 4th of July are on my own, but that’s about it. I’m not kidding. My sister has to call me every year to remind me when my own mothers’ birthday is. Yet thanks to Facebook, I now know when my friends’ birthdays are, and unfortunately when Valentine’s Day is.
Men get their first notice that V-Day is headed their way two weeks before the actual date, when the candy and cards first hit the shelves. At this point, things will typically start out slow. One or two of your single female friends will make a comment about how “delicious” the candy is, or how “cute” this card is that she saw. See at this point, they are still holding out hope that they will in fact have a date that night.
You will more than likely be reading these types of Facebook status updates for the following week, growing in intensity, until we hit the next plateau which occurs one week before V-Day. This is where we start to see a split in the single female demographic. Whereas half of the single females will head in the direction of shameless self-pity, the other half will split off into a pack of man-hating hyenas, which have all of a sudden found their calling in the women’s-lib movement. Let’s evaluate both, shall we?
Our first group of single ladies aren’t as apparent at first, and I prefer to think of them as a ticking time-bomb of emotion. They will start off the week with casual emo comments like “No date for me this year… what else is new?” Secretly hoping someone will pop up and ask them at the last minute. As the week progresses, these single ladies become more and more annoying. Frequently updating about how much they hate Valentine’s Day, how annoyed they are with the people talking about it, how they don’t care about anyone else’s plans… basically anything to put down or belittle the day for anyone that has something going on. Finally, when V-Day hits, the time-bomb goes off… and they spend the evening alone on their couch, with a bottle of wine and the Lifetime channel as their only companion.
Our second group of single women are the most dangerous of them all. Every man should be aware when a pack of man-hating hyenas form, and avoid them at all costs. Their status updates will be like a wolf howling into the night, calling all other single females to their side. It will always include something similar to, “Fuck Valentine’s Day, I don’t want a man, I don’t need a man!” Always forgetting to leave out the most important fact… that the reason they’re single is because they cannot GET a man, or HOLD DOWN a man. Regardless, once the status has been updated… the rest of hyenas come running. “OMG GURL! SO TRU!” “HELL YA! TELL IT!” This posturing will go on for several replies, before the group inevitably decides to form at one of their houses with a box of wine and The Notebook, or at a bar where they can mean-mug any man that looks in their direction.
Finally, some men need to quit being bitches as well. Yes, we all know it’s a commercial holiday, and you should show your girlfriend that you love her every day, regardless if it’s Valentine’s Day or not. Seriously though, buck up and go buy some flowers, a card and some candy, and take your girlfriend out for a nice dinner and shut up. It doesn’t cost a fortune, and it will mean the world to her. Yes, you should show your girlfriend you love her every day… but you can also show her on Valentine’s Day, so quit being a whiney douche bag.