Saved by the Bell

Zack Morris: Student or God?

OH. EM. GEE. SO. MUCH. DRAMA!!!!!!  You will NOT believe the morning I’ve had, shit, I can’t believe the morning I’ve had!! So let me preface this by stating that I have huge aspirations of being an oil baron, or a tycoon if you will. So imagine my shock when my life’s only goal was flipped, and turned upside down this morning, while watching the following events unfold at Bayside of all places.

It all started this morning in biology class, where the students were studying the animals that were collected from the school’s pond. Why a high school has its own pond, along with a collection of wildlife that lives there may seem unsafe or illogical to some, that is beside the point. It doesn’t take too long before shit hits the fan and Zack comes sprinting into the room with an enormous duck that he accidentally hit with a baseball. I mean, even though I use to get in trouble for simply running through the halls in high school, this is Bayside, so obviously running through the hallways, between class, with a huge ass duck is perfectly natural. I also learned that playing baseball by a pond is a HUGE disaster waiting to happen!

After being assured that the duck would be ok, Zack is allowed to care for it until it’s better and can be released back into the wild (that once again, just happens to be on the premises). While I didn’t quite understand how a senior in high school, with no veterinarian experience, becomes qualified to care for a wild animal, I quickly dropped all concern when I found out that Mr. Belding use to have a personal relationship with this particular duck, and feeds him every morning at the pond. He has even named him Becky… although why Mr. Belding would give a male duck a female name really opens up a whole nother bag of issues, I quickly decide that I’m too stressed out to even begin comprehending this madness at the moment.

Later, as Zack and his duck are sitting at The Max (why wouldn’t a live duck be allowed in a food establishment?), and talking about how cute he is, Slater runs in and tells the gang that oil was found on the football field, while installing a goal post! While ignoring the fact that they struck oil after digging 20 feet, my thoughts were immediately drawn to the excitement brought on by the discovery. Since obviously they’re going to share a billion dollar oil find with the students and staff that are currently attending the high school, the kids immediately realize that they’re all going to be super rich!

The next day, they release all of the animals back into the schools pond, and Zack says goodbye to Becky. Little did he know, this goodbye would last a lifetime. It wasn’t even an hour later that Slater comes running back in another panic, telling everyone that there’s been a mother fucking oil spill on the football field! OH SNAPPPPPP, SON!!!! Instead of acting like normal students and avoiding such a disaster, they obviously run straight to the huge oil spill, and find poor Becky dead!

The following day, a heartbroken Zack gives a passionate speech in front of Mr. Belding, and the schools board, and begs them not to start oil drilling on campus. Saddened by a 3 minutes speech, by a student that had just lost a duck that he had cared for the past 3 days, the board decides not to make billions of dollars by drilling for oil, and to preserve the pond for future ducks. The impossible has been accomplished, Zack Morris is God! Reason 2,398 that I use Saved by the Bell not only as a moral compass in my day-to-day life, but also as my grounds for all reality and common sense.

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